Dear Lady on the Train ...

Please find reprinted below, a selection of my Twitter posts from this morning's commute. (Sure, you could call it cheating. But I prefer to call it "recycling." I'm all about green, eco-friendly, sustainable comedy.)

Dear Lady on Train: If I've got my iPod cranked ALL the way up and I can STILL hear you yelling into your phone, you might be too loud.

Dear Lady on Train: I don't know where you buy your hair dye, but that particular shade of two-tone orange appears nowhere in Nature.

Dear Lady on Train: Seriously. The yelling into the phone thing is getting old. The first half hour was a delight, but it's time to hang up.

Dear Lady on Train: Your awful dye-job isn't fooling anyone. You're not young. Nor do you appear to be a party clown.

"Can you hear me now?"

Dear Lady on Train: Perfume is not intended to have "stopping power." It's supposed to smell nice, not incapacitate an attacker.

Dear Lady on Train: If you could see all the elaborate and spectacularly gory ways I'm imagining your death, you might lower your voice.

Dear Lady on Train: SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT--

Dear Train Tunnel: Sweet merciful fuck. Thank you for existing.


Till next we meet ...