A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/30/09)

1) Ask Tiger Woods for a ride to the end of his driveway.

2) Two words: "Penis" and "Beehive."

3) Listen to Jonas Brothers album during screening of New Moon. Test theory that it's the Pop Rocks and Soda of 2009.

4) Pay rent.

5) Finally take Fonzie's advice and sit on it. Hard.

Alfred Hitchcock's Shower Scene

So I was taking a leisurely shower the other morning and I happened to notice that I wasn't the only sardonic old fat guy making a cameo.

Remember Hitchcock's logo for the old "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" show?



Well, it seems my errant hairs were big fans.

Who knew?



Now, if I were a smart man, what I ought to do is charge M. Night Shyamalan a million bucks to come disturbingly worship shower. That way he can enjoy his Hitchcock fetish and I can enjoy my "having lots of money" fetish.

Hmmm ... I gotta make some calls.



Till next we meet ...

Mind = Blown

So the new Twilight movie, New Moon, has apparently smashed all kinds of box office records. Including, bafflingly, several held by The Dark Knight.

I have no words, really.

I mean, I'm well aware that bad movies can be crazy popular while good ones are ignored and left slumped against the gymnasium wall like a fat, nerdy kid at the prom. Sure. It happens all the time.

But there's a difference between a bad movie being successful and stunningly lame one pulling down $140 million in a weekend.

So, you know ... it stings a bit.





Ow.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/23/09)

1) Tell that cool liquid metal policeman that your name really is John Connor. Even if it isn't.

2) When camping out in front of the Wal-Mart in preparation for Black Friday, make sure you're wearing your best stomping-your-neighbor-to-death-for-a-cheap-TV boots.

3) Trust that your health insurance company knows more about current health care debate than you do. They'll handle everything, right?

4) Buy stuffing.

5) Go see New Moon for 100th time. Because you're not just a fool, you're an astonishly stupid 13-year-old girl. With no taste whatsoever.

Tuna. It's Made Some Enemies.

Sure, it's a delicious and healthy snack. And, if you're in the market for Tuna in sammich form, perhaps Dunkin Donuts can help you out with that.

For a very reasonable price, I might add.

But there seems to be more to the story.

Upon closer inspection, it's clear someone's trying to send Tuna a message. A very personal message ...

"Fuck you fuck you, I hope you die ASSHOLE!!!"

For me, it's the third exclamation point that really drives the point home.

Tuna better be watching its back.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/9/09)

1) Flush millions of dollars down toilet of Broadway musical adaptation of Spider-Man comic that has absolutely no other choice but to be hilariously bad.

2) Exfoliate faster. Use belt sander.

3) Clean that raw chicken juice off the counter. With your tongue.

4) Rake lawn/bag leaves.

5) Wang chung (tonight). Vigorously.

I'm Pretty Sure That's Not How You Play The Upright Bass

As you may remember, a while back I happened upon a poster at the train station extolling the benefits of living in the Rahway Arts District.

If the poster was to be believed, the chief benefit appears to be that you may happily engage in sweet, sweet sexual congress with a saxophone.

It went a little something like this:


Anyhow, I have since stumbled upon another such ad. At first blush it doesn't appear to be sexually suggestive ... BUT ... upon closer inspection, the eroticism is plainly apparent.

What's wrong with it, you ask? Have a look for yourself. But pay careful attention to what is NOT seen in the picture ...

"Sir! I'm going to need to see your hands."


"Hands! Show me your hands!"


"Oh, dear GOD. Never mind."


"I think he's finished."



Till next we meet ...

Do NOT Get In The Ring With This Man

I can't stress this enough, people.

Sure, at first blush this just seems to be a perfectly harmless poster for an upcoming boxing match to be broadcast on everyone's favorite pay cable channel. Nothing terribly remarkable about it. Everything seems to be on the up and up.

Until you take a closer look ...

What about THIS guy?

My advice?

Do NOT step into the ring with this man.

I don't know WHAT he's going to do, but he's definitely NOT going to stop at punching you to custard.

Just look into his eyes.

This guy's got plans.


Big plans.



For you.



Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/2/09)

1) Put nose to actual grindstone.

2) Include inane scene in your brainless movie where cardboard characters outrun TEMPERATURE. (NOTE: Only applies to Roland Emmerich.)

3) Once you've captured and tied him to giant laser, take time to outline your entire nefarious operation to snarky, well-dressed British spy.

4) Iron work shirts.

5) Buy tickets for Game 8 of World Series. Just in case.