Friday, April 30, 2010

May I Take Your Order?

Hi, how are you doing tonight? My name is Robb and I'll be taking care of you this evening. I see you've had some time to look over the menu.

All right then, sir, will you be having the chicken or the fi--- OH MY GOD!!!

Till next we meet ...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Aunt Beru? Could You Please Pass The Blilk?

Is there anything more delicious than poorly-conceived, lazily-named, generic, store brand versions of brand name products?

I mean, seriously! What's more awesome than a nice bowl of Definitely Not Grape Nuts Brand Nutty Nuggets™?

Oh, right.

A bowl of Definitely Not Grape Nuts Brand Nutty Nuggets™ in a bowl of pale turquoise "milk."

It's just what a growing body needs!

You know. Before pissily heading over to Tosche Station to pick up those power converters.

I was not aware you could milk a Jawa.

EDIT: After further research, it appears you can, in fact, milk a Jawa.

EDIT #2: Jawas have glowing teats.

Till next we meet ...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Kali Ma Will Rule The World! (Stick Figures In Peril!)

As you might expect, at a place called "The Temple of Doom" there are plenty of warnings posted. Especially when you have an easily-choppable rope bridge spanning a thousand foot chasm over crocodile-infested waters. It just stands to reason.

Mola Ram, like anybody else, gets tired of paying all those OSHA fines.

Just a reminder, Dr. Jones. Please stay off the rope bridge.

Till next we meet ...

Dumpster Diving (Stick Figures In Peril!)

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: "There's NOTHING in the world more fun than cavorting in and around a fetid, offal-stuffed dumpster!"

But it should come as no surprise that, should you happen to be a Stick Figure, such a joyous activity is fraught with terrible Peril.


Because, contrary to what many Stick Figures believe, the immediate area surrounding dumpsters does not possess a different gravitational field than the rest of the planet. Clamber up onto a dumpster and start dancing a furious jig ... and you WILL plunge, ass-first, to the hard, unforgiving pavement below, a pulverized coccyx your only bitter reward.

"Oh no! My beautiful, unpulverized coccyx!"

But that's not the only Peril a Stick Figure risks when he stubbornly refuses to scuttle out of the dumpster like a frightened raccoon.

Let's not forget all the tipping. Which inevitably leads to all the terrible, terrible crushing.

"In Russia, dumpster dives on you!"

Till next we meet ...

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 4/19/10)

1) Upon leaving Iceland for vacation, wonder aloud about whether you remembered to turn off the volcano. Decide you did. Go on with your trip.

2) Jot down phone number from "Free Babysitting" flyer on bulletin board at Vatican laundromat.

3) Challenge your heart to a duel. The weapon? The KFC Double Down. Ten paces ... turn ... FIRE!

4) Mow lawn.

5) Once you've put your unwanted seven-year-old Russian orphan on a plane back to Moscow by himself, start planning that party the world will surely throw you for not being a complete and utter monster. Make sure to buy some streamers. People love streamers.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

What Goes Up... (Stick Figures In Peril!)

Tragically, there just aren't enough qualified Stick Psychiatrists in the world.

As this sign tells us, the number of Stick Figures imperilled by Bi-Polar Disorder is shockingly high.

One minute you're up, the next you're down. Heart-breaking.

Till next we meet ...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Nice Cock

Well, aren't you a jaunty fellow!

Quite the handsome and eligible, young bachelor about town, aren't you!

Impeccably well groomed, snappily dressed, and that song you're singing so beautifully ... is that from a musical?

Did I mention you have beautiful posture? I'll bet you belong to a gym!

Oh, I see.

Till next we meet ...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Stay Out Of The Gate Arm Drop Zone (Stick Figures In Peril!)

Dear Stick Figures of the World: Just because you don't happen to be driving a Stick Car at this very moment, don't think you can just saunter in or out of the parking garage willy-nilly.

Because, as Stick Figures should already know, Peril is always close behind. Or, in this case, overhead.

What kind of Peril?

Skull-Crushing Peril!

Not only will the gate arm hammer your skull to flattened mush ...

... It'll knock your goddamn head clean off!

Till next we meet ...