A Fool's Errands (Monday, 9/28/09)

1) Throw him the idol. When you know damn well he's never going to throw you the whip.

2) Add new baby to cast of your aging sit-com.

3) Have golden opportunity ... then refrain from punching Michael Bay square in the nuts.

4) Power-wash the patio.

5) You've got the washer rented for another hour yet. Power-wash your junk. Just to see.

*SPECIAL BONUS ERRAND*

6) Go to Switzerland, accept Career Achievement Award for Child Rape.

Adventures In Urinating

Are you a lady? Ever wonder what happens behind the mysterious door of the Men's Room? These recycled Twitter posts should help clear things up.

Just got the dirtiest look in the restroom for not washing my hands. Chill, dude. I didn't need to. I missed my fingers.

Disapproving looks in the men's room. It's like these people have never seen a guy leave the stall while eating a Sloppy Joe before.

More disapproving looks in the men's room. I can't POSSIBLY be the only one in this entire office who eats unwrapped Baby Ruths in here.

I don't know ... maybe it's the lemonade they don't like.


Disapproving looks in the men's room. Guys, there's nothing wrong with dropping your pants all the way to the floor at the urinal.

Also, that dance I was doing was a religious thing.

Though I really don't have a reason for the pom-poms. Sometimes I just like to be encouraging.

Dirty looks in the mens' room for not washing hands. Hey, if you guys think my junk is SO filthy ... (con't)

(Con't) ... that I need to wash my hands after touching it, then you won't mind if I skip the middleman and sink-wash my junk. Scoot over


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 9/21/09)

1) Clear wood-chipper jam. From inside.

2) Two words ... Shark Rodeo!

3) Ask Suzanne Somers if she can recommend a good oncologist.

4) Clean gutters.

5) Continue being Glenn Beck.

BINGO!!

I think there's a very good chance that this particular graffiti artist regularly gets his ass kicked by a girl who draws unicorns on her notebooks.


If your handle is "BINGO!!" and you sign the "o" with a peace sign ... you really need to be using sparkly, day-glow paint.

Also, you may want to get home because My Little Pony is about to start.



Till next we meet ...

Dear Captain Obvious ...

I'm very glad that even in this bad economy ...



... that you've been able to find work.



Because we NEEDED a sign in that particular spot.

A sign people could read with their eyes.

You know, the same eyes that they presumably could also use to see ... THAT THE END OF THE GODDAMN PLATFORM IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE!


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 9/14/09)

1) Save money and time with convenient in-home self-circumcision kit.

2) Pop Rocks + soda + a whole shitload of heroin.

3) Pay for ticket to All About Steve, then sneak into different showing of ... All About Steve.

4) Get haircut.

5) See that rhino over there? Go punch it in the nuts.

Uh-Oh.

Flowers have arrived from space.

I think someone is clearly trying to steal my woman.


If it's Captain Kirk, I'm totally boned.

Though I suppose there's a chance they may not be from space.

They could be from Dr. Seuss.

But if that's the case, I'm still boned.

He IS a doctor, after all.

And I just can't compete with that.



Till next we meet ...