Mount Doom Emergency Procedures

So you've decided to leave your cave deep in the bowels of the Misty Mountains and go out for a stroll.

A long stroll.

Say ... like, a thousand leagues or so.

To a volcano.

Well, inside a volcano, technically.

I mean, seriously ... right in-freaking-side! (Though why you wouldn't instantly keel over dead from all the super-heated poisonous fumes is kind of a mystery to me ... but hey, not the point.)

No, the real point is, sooner or later, inevitably ... you will find yourself gnawing off a dude's finger to get at his jewelry.

Hey, it happens to us all. I mean, come on! Who among us hasn't found themselves gums-deep in some guy's bloody knuckle stump? (And not for the first time, I'll bet! Am I right?)

Anyhow ... sometimes a person in that situation can get a little ... let's say ... over-excited. Sometimes there's dancing and gadding about. Who's to say? We don't judge.

But that's when accidents can happen.

That's why we here at the Mount Doom Tourism Board (a member of the Greater Mordor Chamber of Commerce) want you to know that we take your safety and comfort seriously.

"Gah!! My lungs! So full of finger meat!"

In the quite likely event the need should arise, our highly trained staff of medical professionals are on hand 24/7 ... night and ... well, more night, I suppose (we don't get a lot of sun in these parts) ... to wrench your sinewy innards about in an attempt to dislodge any offending manflesh.

"Annie!? Annie?! Are you okay?!"

And they'll look great doing it! Our staff is always dressed for success!

And by "dressed" we mean "some strappy heels and a pillbox hat and nothing else."

So go ahead and plan your Mordor vacation today! Because finger meat is back on the menu, boys!



Till next we meet ...