Uh-Oh.

Flowers have arrived from space.

I think someone is clearly trying to steal my woman.


If it's Captain Kirk, I'm totally boned.

Though I suppose there's a chance they may not be from space.

They could be from Dr. Seuss.

But if that's the case, I'm still boned.

He IS a doctor, after all.

And I just can't compete with that.



Till next we meet ...

Biscuit?

They're fresh.



Till next we meet.

Thank You, Elevator

Somehow that's strangely comforting.



Everything's going to be fine.

I feel reassured.

Especially given today's date.

Thanks, Elevator. Seriously.



Till next we meet ...

Dear Guy on the Escalator Behind Me

Commuting! I don't have to tell you, it's a blast! Interacting with your fellow man? Mingling with the best and brightest? It's a privilege, I tell you! A PRIVILEGE!

Here are a few recycled Twitter posts to prove it.

Dear Guy Behind Me on the Escalator: STOP sighing. I'm not climbing. It's an ESCALATOR. If I wanted to climb stairs, I'd have taken the stairs.

Dear Guy Behind Me on the Escalator: Perhaps you haven't heard, escalators were invented for the lazy, not the over-aggressive and douchey.

Dear Guy Behind Me on the Escalator: Keep sighing and I'll show you how my fist was invented for your goddamn nuts.

Wait a second ... Holy crap! Maybe the escalator WAS originally invented for your goddamn nuts!

Till next we meet ...

Head Knobs and Broom Sticks

It's really THERE, people! It's time to stop deceiving yourselves!

Perhaps these recycled Twitter posts will help you see things more clearly.

Jean Claude Van Damme has a permanent and pronounced knot on his forehead the size of a doorknob.

OH MY GOD! IT'S RIGHT GODDAMN THERE! WHY IS NOBODY ELSE SEEING THIS?!

JCVD's headknob is invisible until someone points it out. After that, you'll NEVER be able to stop staring at it. You're welcome.

AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?! YOU SEE THAT THING, RIGHT?!

JCVD's headknob has haunted me for years. Now it shall haunt you, too. I am no longer alone. We are connected now, you and I.


Till next we meet ...

Conspiracy Theory

U.S. Senator Arlen Specter ...



Could he be made entirely of ear wax?

Shadowy forces don't want you to know the Truth.



Till next we meet ...

The Photo Shoot

PHOTOGRAPHER: Now if you could just look over--

ACTOR: Is it okay that I did my own make-up?

PHOTOGRAPHER: What?

ACTOR: My make-up.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Your--?

ACTOR: Is it all right? I mean, I didn't know if this was the look you were envisioning, and I wasn't sure if there would be someone here to do it ...

PHOTOGRAPHER: You're wearing make-up?

ACTOR: I was going for a kind of dreamy-but-realistic look. A look that says my character is looking toward the future but ALSO has his feet planted firmly on the ground ...

PHOTOGRAPHER: Look kid, I don't know what they told you. It's just a local ad for the hospital that's two blocks away--

ACTOR: I realize how important make-up can be to the photographer's craft and I didn't mean to overstep any professional bounds, so I REALLY hope you're not offended ...

PHOTOGRAPHER: I couldn't give two shits. Honestly--

ACTOR: I know all about stage make-up. Because I've had extensive experience in dinner theater.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Sure thing, kid--

ACTOR: I thought I'd use a similar look to the one I used when I appeared in Cabaret at the Highland Park Community Center last summer. The Rt. 1 Weekly Clipper raved that I was "off-book."

PHOTOGRAPHER: Uh-huh--

ACTOR: I think the white pancake base and dark eyeliner really bring out my eyes. Also, I really love The Cure. Have you ever heard of The Cure? How about Emo Phillips? I could add more mascara ...


ACTOR: Does the hair work for you? I cut it myself. I was going for "kicky." Is my lipstick okay? I wanted to make sure they're nice and red ...

PHOTOGRAPHER: Kid, I already took the picture.

ACTOR: Beg pardon?

PHOTOGRAPHER: We're done here.

ACTOR: We're--?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Done, yes.

ACTOR: Oh.

(pause)

ACTOR: Did you need to take another one?

PHOTOGRAPHER: No.

(pause)

ACTOR: Are you sure?

(pause)

ACTOR: Hello?


Till next we meet ...