Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Now You're Being Cooked With Gas! (Stick Figures In Peril!)


The eternal question.

We've all wondered it. Pondered it. Dreamed it. Mused aloud about it during staff meetings. Had it tattooed on the lower backs of our indentured servants ...

You know the one:

"Which part of my house is MOST Perilous for Stick Figures?"

And the answer is obvious. Why, it's the Utility Room, of course!

For the Stick Figure, the Utility Room is little more than a bloody charnel house full of sadness and blighted, smoldering death.

1) First off, there are deadly carbon monoxide fumes that will inevitably be greedily gulped down by the hapless Stick Figure into his single-chambered lung-stomach.

And doom, of course, follows hard thereupon.

"OH NO! MY LUNG-STOMACH!"


2) Next, of course, there's the seemingly innocent act of hand washing. What could go wrong there?

As it turns out ...

EVERYTHING!


A single blast of "HOT" will immediately reduce the Stick Figure's hands to useless, pulpy blood-stumps.

Tragically, this poor fellow will never play the Stick Harpsichord again. And that, friends, is a loss for all of us.

"OH NO! HOT MAKE BURN!"

3) Thirdly (and perhaps most Perilously), is the ever-present and inescapable threat of "FLAMMABLE VAPORS." The Stick Figure must avoid these at all costs.

"Why," you ask?


BECAUSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M ON FIRE THAT'S WHY!!!


Till next we meet ...

Monday, March 29, 2010

I Weep For Humanity. Especially Thirsty, Rock-Stupid Humanity.


So I was on the train going to work this morning and I happened to notice something in the restroom.


We live in a country where a sign like this is apparently necessary ...


The saddest part is that you just know the reason this warning had to be posted in the first place was because there was ... an "incident."

(sigh)



Till next we meet ...

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Have You Seen My Teeth?


Hi there. I'm Giada De Laurentis.


You may know me from the Food Network where I play a gaunt, painfully malnourished Natalie Portman bobble-head doll.

(Bobble, bobble, bobble)


Anyhow, I was just wondering ... Have you seen my teeth?


Come on. I REALLY want to show you these teeth. I mean I've worked REALLY hard to make them all bright and shiny and visible to you. I'd HATE for you to miss them.

So you should have a look.

Seriously. I don't want you to miss ANY of them. Can you see the ones in the back? Are you looking?

LOOK!

LOOK HARD!

HARDER!!!


LOOK AT MY TEETH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!


TEEEEEEETH!!!!



Tlll next we meet ...

Saturday, March 27, 2010

It's Back? Really? Where Has It Been?



As it turns out, after doing some research ... it seems the Waffle Sandwich has been in prison. In Nevada. For stabbing, like, nine dudes to death. In the face.

But you go right ahead and order it.

That's what you wanted, right?

But I'm sure everything's cool now.

He's paid his debt to society and stuff.



Yeah, it's probably fine now.



Till next we meet ...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Please Leave This Store


Dear Customers,

While we truly appreciate your interest in coming to our store to spend money on our products ...


... we really wish you'd go the hell home. I don't know. Use your computers or some shit. Thanks.


PS: Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

PPS: You smell poorly.


Till next we meet ...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Naaayyyyyyyyy! (Stick Figures In Peril)


By order of the Board of Health, this area has been decreed ... A FONZIE-FREE ZONE.


Violators who insist on remaining Fonzie will be subjected to great peril.


Till next we meet ...

Monday, March 22, 2010

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/22/10)


1) Cram as many copies of new "Hoarders" DVD set as you can into your cat-infested house.

2) Clear brush from Crawford ranch. For old times' sake.

3) Anybody can use sugar cubes in their tea. Be unique, try some pork bullion cubes instead!

4) Shop for new bathing suit.

5) Staple tongue to conference table.