Dog Having In Three Easy Steps!

Ever wanted to have a dog?

Well this is your lucky day!

STEP 1: UNFOLD YOUR DOG.

STEP 2: ASSEMBLE YOUR DOG.

STEP 3: NOW YOU HAVE A DOG!

Congratulations!



Till next we meet ...

Sorry, Drew Barrymore.

"IF YOU CAN START FIRES WITH YOUR MIND, PLEASE DO NOT USE THE WASHING MACHINE"

Thank you,
--The Management




Till next we meet ...

Just Turn That Frown* Upside Down!

_______________
*And by "Frown" we of course mean "horrible, horrible, electro-stabby murder-death."

Life is all in how you look at things. It's true.

Perspective can be everything, even in bad situations! You just have to learn to look on the bright side!

Now, on one hand, you could look at this poor fellow and think: "Jeez, being lightninged to death in your middle parts sure looks like it smarts!"

But did you ever stop to think that maybe he's actually enjoying this?! Perhaps his spine is really snapping backward in the ecstasy of glorious sexual release!

This move is listed in the Kama Sutra as "the Lightning Rod." Probably.

Hmmm.

You don't seem convinced.

Okay, how about this, Mr. PessimistPants! Things could always be worse! This has got to be preferable to hurtling down, batch first, onto a bunch of barbed punji stakes, right?!

"Ow."

Still not convinced? Jeez, your glass is really half empty, isn't it! What's it going to take before you see a bright side here?

Okay, how about this ...

He's being abducted by aliens!

There! How's that for cool and exciting!

What an awesome story to tell your friends should you ever recover memories of the event!

And best of all ... there's absolutely no danger to be found!

I mean, nobody has ever been probed to death!

"Oh no! My tender probe-ables!"

You know ... apart from all those cows with the missing anuses.




And H.R. Giger, probably.




Oh, never mind.



Till next we meet ...

Silent But Peril-y! (Stick Figures In Peril!)

Another sign that Peril is ever-present in the Stick Figure Universe ...

Despite the obvious need, Beano does not exist in the Second Dimension.

Presumably the box contains a Jumping-Jack-Flash-In-The-Box. Because it's a ... you know ... a gas gas gas.






Because farting!




(Tee-hee-hee! I'm seven years old!)



Till next we meet ...

Thanksgiving Dinner is Going To Be Perilously Awkward (Stick Figures In Peril!)

Mom? Dad? Nanna? Weird Uncle Larry?

I ... I don't know the right words ... so I'm just gonna say it ...

This Chest of Drawers and I are in love! We're getting married! And there's not a thing you can do or say that will change that!

God! That felt so great to say that out loud! It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! What's that you say, Chester? Exactly! Like a huge weight has been removed from your top drawer! JUST like that! Our minds! You see! It's like they're linked! This is why we're soulmates!

No, Dad, he's not Lutheran. He's Chippendale.

No, Nanna, not like the dancers.

I SAID: NO, NANNA, NOT LIKE THE DANCERS!

What do you mean, "old?" He's not "old," mother! He's an antique! There's a difference!

No, he most certainly did NOT rob the cradle! I don't care what you heard at the salon! Those charges were dismissed!

Because that cradle is a lying skank is why!

(An icy silence settles over the dining room. Uncle Larry continues chewing noisily, as though nothing is happening. Mother and daughter eye one another warily.)

Chester, could you pass me one of my sweaters. It's getting a little chilly in here.



Till next we meet ...

The Bystanders! They Continue To Do Nothing! (Stick Figures in Peril!)

Stick Figure society. We all know how famously and brutally cold-hearted it can be. So terrible. But so true.

It's been exhaustively proven: There's narry a drop of genuine kindness or compassion in the heart of your average Stick Figure for the well-being of others.

(This is likely the case, at least in part, because Stick Figures do not actually contain "hearts." Or drops of anything, for that matter. Their locomotion is achieved largely through a rudimentary system of interconnected air bladders. Science.)

I digress.

The point is, this utter lack of empathy is particularly tragic when the "others" in question happen to be fellow Stick Figures.

And more particularly tragic when those fellow Stick Figures are in the process of commuting.

And most particularly tragic when those fellow Stick Figures in the process of commuting are also currently in Peril.

"A little help?"

Nope. Sorry, pal. You'll get no help here.

You'll be met with nothing but blank stares as you meet your grisly and easily preventable demise.

There's no getting around it. You're getting scissored into chum.

And nobody will bat an eye.

Even if they had eyes.

Which they do not.



It's Sticktown, Jake.



Till next we meet ...

DO NOT BLOCK FIRE EXIT!! (Stick Figure in Peril!)

BECAUSE THE ARSONIST NEEDS AN ESCAPE ROUTE!!



Till next we meet ...

The Stick-er Man (Stick Figures in Peril!)

If only Nic Cage had seen this warning label on the welcome sign of a certain secretively insular, neo-pagan, honey-producing island lady-commune.

NOT THE BEES!!

So much bear-suited lady-punching could have been avoided.



Till next we meet ...

The Perilous Wrongness of Being (Stick Figures in Peril!)

You!

Stop!

Bad!

You're being!

What did we tell you about that?!

Do not be!

Till next we meet ...

The Circle of Life ... The Rectangle of Death (Stick Figures In Peril!)

The zebra has the lion.

The cape fur seal has the great white shark.

The airborne salmon has the gaping, toothy mouths of grizzly bears.

And, of course, unattended cake has John Goodman.


Mother Nature, it has oft been said, is red in tooth and claw. The great, deadly dance of predator and prey is old as Time itself.

Life on this blue-green orb, it seems, is fraught with Peril.


And so it goes, that for every Stick Figure ...

... there is a Hurtling Rectangle of Death*.


Just waiting for its moment.

Its opening.

Its chance to pounce.

Whether from above ...

"Oh, my skull!"

Or from the left ...

"Oh, my innards!"

Stick Figures have no greater natural foe.


And, unfortunately for the Stick Figure population ...

Rectangles are also wily and ruthless pack hunters.

"Oh, my everything!"

So you watch your back out there.


Or is that your front? (I can never tell.)

__________________
*NOTE: The Hurtling Rectangle of Death should not be confused with the Skittering Cube of Inconvenience.

"Oh, my phalanges!"

Till next we meet ...

Come On. Nobody REALLY Runs On Dunkin.

Okay, America, it's time to be a little more honest with ourselves.

How much more honest?

I'd say about 45 degrees more honest.


So, we've all seen the commercials.

And, if you're anything like me, you may have even visited this particular establishment on occasion to enjoy some of the sweet, sugary delights they have on offer.

(Okay, if you're really anything like me, you waddle up to their door almost daily to cram your slavering maw full of grease and sugar-soaked awesomeness. So, for your sake and the sake of the children, let's hope you're nothing at all like me.)

But I digress.

Anyhow, the point I wanted to make was ...

This guy.

What's his deal? Seems a little edgy, right? A little too intense?

And most importantly, not even close to how I feel after a visit this establishment.

So I headed straight over to do some "on-site research."

After messily devouring a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit and a bowtie ... I got to thinking.

(Okay, I had a nap first, then I got to thinking.)

And I concluded that, to accurately reflect their brand, Dunkin Donuts really needs to tilt this guy 45 degrees ...

Thaaaat's better.

Now that says "donuts" to me. Friendly. Easy going. And most importantly ... sedentary.

Also, he probably ought to be a bit ... eh ... thicker, too. Which, in the realm of Stick Figures, I suppose means he should be drawn in bold.


(NOTE: There's a very slim chance you might be seeing in this image a kind of bizarre "man-tini." If this is, in fact, what you're seeing, I would like to welcome you to my blog, Ms. Cattrall.)



Till next we meet ...

The Bystanders! They Do Nothing! (Stick Figures in Peril!)

One of the more insidious Perils faced by Stick Figures is also among the least well-known. Because it lurks within the inscrutable and insular heart of Stick Figure society itself.

That Peril? The complete and utter disregard for the health and well-being of other Stick Figures.

According to the latest research, the vast majority of Stick Figures -- an alarming 94.2%* -- will stand impassively by and watch vacantly as a fellow stick figure is fed screaming into the grinding, entrail-caked wheels of a moving train. They will not lift a finger to assist.

Even if they had fingers.

Which they do not.

Is it apathy? A lack of compassion? A psychological inability to empathize with another?

Or are they just jealously resentful of anyone in a swanky, red, business unitard?

We may never know.

____________________________
* Studies show that, at any given moment, the remaining 5.8% are actually being fed under the wheels on the other side of the train.


Till next we meet ...

Lawnmower Man(gle)! (Stick Figures in Peril!)

What's the most Perilous chore in the world for a Stick Figure to perform?

Mowing my lawn, apparently.

According to the warning labels on my mower, Stick Figures face a veritable cornucopia of eviscerating, bloody Peril whenever they venture within miles of my backyard.

Firstly, there's the ever present Peril of being peppered with heavy machine gun fire should a Stick Figure EVER begin to dance.

(Though, to be fair, this shouldn't be much of a surprise. We have laws for a reason, people.)

(Little known fact: This was actually the original inspiration for the film Footloose. True story.)


Next up ... the specter of bloody, agonizing dismemberment is never far behind your average Stick Figure. But for those Stick Figures on the lookout for a cheap, do-it-yourself alternative to the pricey spa-style "mani/pedi" ... it's all but a certainty.

"OH NO! NOT MY EXTREMITIES! I LOVED HAVING THOSE!"


Lastly ... it would seem elderly Stick Figures with mobility issues are also at an increased risk of being violently run down and messily fed, cane and all, into the whriling, gore-strewn blades of my mower.

On the other hand, perhaps this particular warning is more properly targeted at Brooklyn-based Hipster Stick Figures who have developed the annoying affectation of carrying Victorian walking sticks. Hmm. You know what? I like this answer better.


Oh! One more thing.

Before I let you go ... this may be something of a tangent, but it seems Lawnmower/Human Hybrid Cyborgs vehemently disapprove of traditional human reproduction.

Just so you know.



Till next we meet ...

Oh Shit Oh Shit Oh Shit!!! (SFiP!)

Oh Shit! Oh Shit! Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!!!!!



Till next we meet ...

Ride The Snake!

Sure, he's old and his skin is cold ...


But his rates to the lake, the ancient lake, are really quite reasonable!



(Uh ... that's a Doors reference.)

(Related: I'm quite old.)


Till next we meet ...

Why Do You Toy With My Emotions!?

Just tell me what you want from me, Traffic Signal!

Do I stay or do I go?

I don't understand why you play these head games!


Unless ...

... hang on a minute ...

You're trying to kill me, aren't you!



Till next we meet ...

Well, That Seems Needlessly Harsh

Way to rub it in.


Jerks.


Till next we meet ...

Sometimes The Hardest Thing To Do Is Heed Your Own Warning (SFiP!)

Till next we meet ...

Please Watch Out For The Wet Floor. (SFiP!)

Now by "wet" we probably mean "the ocean."

And by "floor" we mean "the ocean that's a hundred feet below the thwapping blades of this helicopter."

And by "helicopter" we mean "the one we're currently heaving you out of as you wail in mortal terror."

Also, there's probably sharks.

So, you know ... try to watch out for that.



Till next we meet ...

Oh NO! They're Coming For Your Stick Babies! (SFiP!)

Stick Figures BEWARE!!

Your Stick Babies are in Peril!

Terrible, terrible PERIL!

They're coming for your Stick Babies! Reaching! Straining! Yearning!

Their square-cornered, hand-nubs quivering with anticipation!

Your Stick Babies are defenseless!

They're pouncing now! Even as we speak!

OH GOD! THE CHILDREN!! WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!!



Till next we meet ...