A Fool's Errands (Monday, 6/7/10)

BP CEO Tony Hayward Edition

1) Whine more. People love it. It's important the world sees that this whole situation is inconvenient for you, too.

2) Look up definition of "Mega-Super-Giganto-Cluster-Fuck" in dictionary. Ignore picture of self.

3) Show sensitivity to environment. Get photographed wringing out a few dead pelicans. Good PR is priceless.

4) Change oil in your Hummer stretch limo party bus tank. Twice.

5) Locate animals not injured or poisoned by your oil. Kick to death.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 4/19/10)

1) Upon leaving Iceland for vacation, wonder aloud about whether you remembered to turn off the volcano. Decide you did. Go on with your trip.

2) Jot down phone number from "Free Babysitting" flyer on bulletin board at Vatican laundromat.

3) Challenge your heart to a duel. The weapon? The KFC Double Down. Ten paces ... turn ... FIRE!

4) Mow lawn.

5) Once you've put your unwanted seven-year-old Russian orphan on a plane back to Moscow by himself, start planning that party the world will surely throw you for not being a complete and utter monster. Make sure to buy some streamers. People love streamers.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/22/10)

1) Cram as many copies of new "Hoarders" DVD set as you can into your cat-infested house.

2) Clear brush from Crawford ranch. For old times' sake.

3) Anybody can use sugar cubes in their tea. Be unique, try some pork bullion cubes instead!

4) Shop for new bathing suit.

5) Staple tongue to conference table.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/15/10)

1. Camp out in front of video store to wait for release of New Moon DVD. Because you you're not very bright. And because you have astonishingly shitty taste in movies.

2. Deep-fried Twinkie dipped in microwaved Velveeta and topped with a dollop of potted meat? Order two!

3. Because you're his number one fan, construct 50-foot statue of Jay Leno. Out of assholes.

4. Buy grass seed.

5. Feed neighbor's cat. Into paper shredder.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/8/10)

1) Your groin ... has it been punched enough?

2) Morale around the office a little low? Three words: CONGRESSIONAL TICKLE-FIGHT!

3) Challenge Quentin Tarantino to a foot fetish trivia contest.

4) Laundry.

5) Greenlight "Gilligan's Island" movie. Oh, wait. That's not a joke. That's a real thing that happened in the world. (sigh) If anybody needs me, I'll be curled up in the corner quietly weeping into a pillow over our collective loss of cultural dignity.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/1/10)

1) Drive Naomi Campbell around town wearing your biggest, most punchable face.

2) Shake what your momma gave you. Even if what your momma gave you was nitroglycerin.

3) Keep excitement rolling after Warner Bros. announcement of planned Gilligan's Island movie! Exhume Bob Denver's corpse so he can join you for a TV Land marathon!

4) Sew replacement button on shirt.

5) Tivo Leno!

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 2/22/10)

1) Greenlight another Kirstie Alley TV show about how being fat is something that she often is.

2) Continue working on that eerily lifelike, full-size butter sculpture of Jon Gosselin. Oh! Mr. Gosselin! I'm so sorry! That's actually you! I'm so embar--! Hey, what did you do with all my butter? Oh.

3) Try to retrieve your house keys from Gary Busey's mouth without him snapping off one or more of your fingers with his terrifying, giant teeth.

4) Sprinkle rock salt on driveway.

5) Once and for all, hush the nay-sayers by personally proving your theory that hybrid cars are really the result of regular cars mating with you.

A Fool's Errands (Monday 2/8/10)

1) Got high blood pressure? That means you've got too much blood. Think about doing some heavy bleeding.

2) Start early. Bet every dime you have on next year's Puppy Bowl.

3) Remember: Sharks only become remorseless killing machines because they've never been shown real love. That big one over there? He just needs a big hug. Maybe a kiss.

4) Vacuum living room.

5) As board member of Tea Baggers movement, think about renaming organization to avoid filthy sexual slang. Consider the Dirty Sanchezes or the Rusty Tromboners.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 2/1/10)

1) Use Rip Torn as a reference when applying for bank loan. Or gun license. Or when posting bail.

2) Remember, sticks and stones may break your bones, but plowing your 1988 Chevette head-on into an overpass abutment at 75 mph is a lot more efficient.

3) All the overblown hype over the Apple iPad is silly. Save your money and just crawl into the dryer. Turn it on. If you can shrink yourself down about 35%, your iPod Touch will be in perfect scale.

4) Have guy come and read gas meter.

5) Test the old saying that "Guns don't kill, people do" by leaping off a five story building onto a gun. Just make sure there are no people around. They're very kill-ish.

A Fool's Errands (Monday 1/18/10)

1) Stay strong. Whatever you do, keep that New Year's Resolution about not murdering and eating David Spade. Oh ... who am I kidding? One little bite couldn't hurt. Besides, who's going to miss him?

2) It's 2010. Remind yourself to stop writing 2009 on your checks. Also, remind yourself to stop writing checks. Because it's 20-goddamn-10, grandpa.

3) Market own line of frozen finger foods made entirely of own fingers.

4) Take down Christmas lights.

5) Keep telling yourself that Avatar is a brilliant, well-written, subtle and nuanced story that nobody has ever seen in another movie before. Ever. Repeat until you believe it. This may take a while. Budget your afternoon accordingly.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 12/14/09)

1) Buy Christmas present for Tiger Woods: a BIG black book.

2) Drink own weight in nog.

3) Hang around under mistletoe while "funny" Uncle Lenny is over.

4) Buy extra wrapping paper.

5) Ignore life lessons proffered by the first three ghosts. Change your ways only when the fourth ghost threatens you with cold and lonely death.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/30/09)

1) Ask Tiger Woods for a ride to the end of his driveway.

2) Two words: "Penis" and "Beehive."

3) Listen to Jonas Brothers album during screening of New Moon. Test theory that it's the Pop Rocks and Soda of 2009.

4) Pay rent.

5) Finally take Fonzie's advice and sit on it. Hard.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/23/09)

1) Tell that cool liquid metal policeman that your name really is John Connor. Even if it isn't.

2) When camping out in front of the Wal-Mart in preparation for Black Friday, make sure you're wearing your best stomping-your-neighbor-to-death-for-a-cheap-TV boots.

3) Trust that your health insurance company knows more about current health care debate than you do. They'll handle everything, right?

4) Buy stuffing.

5) Go see New Moon for 100th time. Because you're not just a fool, you're an astonishly stupid 13-year-old girl. With no taste whatsoever.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/9/09)

1) Flush millions of dollars down toilet of Broadway musical adaptation of Spider-Man comic that has absolutely no other choice but to be hilariously bad.

2) Exfoliate faster. Use belt sander.

3) Clean that raw chicken juice off the counter. With your tongue.

4) Rake lawn/bag leaves.

5) Wang chung (tonight). Vigorously.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/2/09)

1) Put nose to actual grindstone.

2) Include inane scene in your brainless movie where cardboard characters outrun TEMPERATURE. (NOTE: Only applies to Roland Emmerich.)

3) Once you've captured and tied him to giant laser, take time to outline your entire nefarious operation to snarky, well-dressed British spy.

4) Iron work shirts.

5) Buy tickets for Game 8 of World Series. Just in case.

A Fool's Errands (Monday,10/26/09)

1) Fire. What's it REALLY taste like?

2) Take public speaking lessons from Sara Palin.

3) Jump shark. In dark alley. Steal his wallet.

4) Seal driveway.

5) Program Tivo to record every single episode of Steven Seagal: Lawman. Twice.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 10/19/09)

1) Remember to secure hatch on homemade balloon so your good-for-nothing asshole kid can't sneak out and wreck your chance at your own balloon-based reality show.

2) Swine Flu ... GET SOME!

3) Photoshop fashion magazine cover photo of that grotesque fatty Keira Knightley so she looks like she's got a half-inch waist and legs that are eight feet long each.

4) Replace furnace filter.

5) Keep fucking that chicken.

A Fool's Errands (10/12/09)

1) Bet life savings that the Mets will be surprise come-from-behind winners of '09 World Series.

2) Reach into that alligator to get your golf ball back. He probably won't mind.

3) Watch movie Twilight. Sober. Unironically. Start to finish. Without killing self.

4) Rake leaves.

5) Buy new pair of ass-less chaps for Casual Friday.

Fool's Errands (Monday, 10/5/09)

1) Start Oscar campaign website for Mattel's impending "Barbie" movie.

2) Sign petition to free Roman Polanski. Then sign petition to free all the world's other child rapists, too.

3) Wax nose hair.

4) Rotate tires.

5) Be pitied by Mr. T.

Again.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 9/28/09)

1) Throw him the idol. When you know damn well he's never going to throw you the whip.

2) Add new baby to cast of your aging sit-com.

3) Have golden opportunity ... then refrain from punching Michael Bay square in the nuts.

4) Power-wash the patio.

5) You've got the washer rented for another hour yet. Power-wash your junk. Just to see.

*SPECIAL BONUS ERRAND*

6) Go to Switzerland, accept Career Achievement Award for Child Rape.