You Stay Classy, New Jersey

So I got this postcard in the mail recently. It's an ad for a local limo company.

Now, first off, let me just say that I'm well aware that I live in New Jersey. And secondly, let me point out that I'm also well aware that Jersey has never been seen as the repository of what you'd call ... oh, let's say ... "good taste."

(Though to be fair, Jersey might be in a flat-footed tie with Long Island for that particular honor. But until LI has an MTV reality show that can rival Jersey Shore in terms of sheer class and decorum ... well, I'm going to have to give my adopted home state the edge here.)

So anyhow, I get it.

But you never quite expect it to show up in your mailbox.

OH YEAH, BABY!

And what could be better than a stretch limo?

A stretch, HUMMER limo, of course!

Badda-BING!

And what could possibly be better than a stretch, Hummer limo?

A PINK, stretch Hummer limo!

Fuggedaboudit!!

Nothing says "classy night on the town with the girls" quite like it.

But what's even more classy than that?

Check out the stamp.

Yeah.

One of the many things they're directly murdering with their pink, stretch, Hummer limos. Which, by the way, run on baby polar bear blood. It's Science.

Nice work, Jersey.

You stay classy.


Till next we meet ...

Why Don't Stick Figures Go To The Gym? (Stick Figures In Peril)

Well, obviously it's because of all the PINCH POINTS!

Also, this may well explain why Stick Figures tend not to have any fingers to speak of.

Ow.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 2/22/10)

1) Greenlight another Kirstie Alley TV show about how being fat is something that she often is.

2) Continue working on that eerily lifelike, full-size butter sculpture of Jon Gosselin. Oh! Mr. Gosselin! I'm so sorry! That's actually you! I'm so embar--! Hey, what did you do with all my butter? Oh.

3) Try to retrieve your house keys from Gary Busey's mouth without him snapping off one or more of your fingers with his terrifying, giant teeth.

4) Sprinkle rock salt on driveway.

5) Once and for all, hush the nay-sayers by personally proving your theory that hybrid cars are really the result of regular cars mating with you.

Stick Figures In Peril!

Oh, the Stick Figures!

Oh, the Peril!

Today, it's a study in contrasts. America vs. Europe. Which one is tougher? Whose Stick Figures can take more Peril?

1) To start, let's take the standard American "Wet Floor" sign. It's a classic of the Stick Figure in Peril genre.


The thing about this, though, is that this Stick Figure doesn't appear to be in all that much Peril. He seems to be sitting down rather gently, actually. There's a relaxed air about things. Almost casual. Pretty chill, really.

But ...

Drop some classic, old school, beat-box jams ... and this b-boy just might bust some dope downrock moves. As my grandfather always used to say: "One man's 'slipping-on-wet-floor-and-injuring-his-spine' is another man's 'sweet-ass one-handed airbaby'."

(That was around the time we put him in a home.)


2) Anyhow, as you might imagine, in Europe they do things a little differently. That's what makes them so Europe-y, after all.

But it might surprise you to discover just how hardcore they can be about this sort of thing.

Here's some free advice: If a European tells you the floor is wet ... well, you better listen up, yank. Cuz they're not fucking around.

Case in point ...


This particular floor is so wet ... that it seems to be about TEN FEET UNDERWATER.

The squiggly line, after all, is the international symbol for water level. That's SCIENCE.

And upon closer inspection, there's a good chance the water's even deeper than that. According to the proportions of this sign, Europeans clearly seem to be enormous. They've outgrown their triangles!

I'm sure it's got something to do with the metric system and socialized medicine.


3) But in the end, the momentum shifts back to the U.S. in the "Whose-Got-More-Peril" game.

Especially when we get to this guy.

Why?


Because he's about to get into a New York City cab.

Game. Set. Match.

Suck it, Europe.



Till next we meet ...

Yup. It's A Thing That Exists In The World.

Here 'tis in my hot, little fist.


Neat!

But howzabout some credit where it isn't really due?

Bam!



Though like I said before, I didn't really do anything to deserve this. But Alan and David, the Producers who actually ... you know ... made the movie were kind enough to have me along for the ride anyhow. Thanks again, guys!


Till next we meet ...

Stick Figures in Peril!

OH NO, STICK FIGURE! LOOK OUT!

IT'S PERIL!

1) And it's coming straight for your ankles! TIMMM-BURRRRR!


It's just so tragic.

There he'd stood for so many years. So beautiful. So majestic.

And now look at him. Felled like a 200-year-old redwood. Ruthlessly chopped down in his prime.

He never saw it coming.

The horror.

The horror.


2) But when Peril comes a-knocking ... THIS GUY knows what to do.


That's RIGHT! You run your ASS OFF!

When Peril's headed his way, this guy's got the good sense to flee from danger as fast as his sharpened, footless legs will carry him! (Unlike SOME people we could mention.)

When the shit goes down, stick close to this guy.

But try to stay next to him. If you hang out behind him ... well, you'll probably be on fire. So, you know, try to keep up.


Till next we meet ...

Not Old. Well Seasoned.

The elderly ...


Apparently they're delicious.


Till next we meet ...

The "B" in BLT? Stands for "Baby."

So I was standing around at the train station last night waiting for The Missus to come collect me, and I happened to notice this poster for a fertility clinic.


Seems harmless enough, right?

Science helping people make pink, squishy babies. Perfectly reasonable.

Or is it?

Have a closer look ...


Seems like a nice enough baby, right?

Appropriately pink and squishy. As advertised. Perfectly innocent.

Or IS it?

Whatever could that be clutched in his pink, squishy fist?

Have a closer look, won't you?


IT'S BACON!

Who the hell tucks their babies into their cribs at night with a fistful of thick-cut, hickory-smoked fatback!?

How about the VERY BEST PARENTS IN THE WORLD! THAT'S who!

I invite you to suck it, Dr. Spock. I've got some frying to do.



Till next we meet ...

Stick Figures in Peril!

Few occupations in this world are quite as innately fraught with peril, danger and the specter of imminent dismemberment or death as that of "being a Stick Figure."

If the many, many warning signs plastered everywhere around us are to be believed, Stick Figures endure more peril before breakfast than the rest of us will face in a lifetime. And that includes those among us who live especially perilous lives. (I'm looking in your direction, Courtney Love.)

The hard and unfair truth is, the world can be very hard on the humble, unassuming Stick Figure.

1) But don't take my word for it. Just look what this Stick Figure has to look out for on his daily commute.

I suppose slips and falls are one of the major risks you run when you don't actually have any feet.

But I also have to wonder exactly why the Stick Figure Commuter Express Train is parked what appears to be at least a yard away from the platform. That seems inordinately dangerous and is just inviting tragedy. So this may not entirely be the Stick Figure's fault. It's an operational issue that should seriously be taken up at the next meeting of the Board of Directors of the Stick Figure MTA.

After all, I think there really is an upper limit to the amount of gap watching a person should reasonably be expected to do.


2) However, even when a Stick Figure HAS feet, slips and falls are tragically not uncommon. To wit: This Poor Fellow ...


On the other hand, the more I look at this image, the more comfortable this Stick Figure appears to be. Perhaps he's not in peril after all. Perhaps ... and this is just me wondering aloud here ... perhaps he was just relaxing and some rude Passer-By kicked over his Rum and Coke.

Way to be a total douche, Passer-By! How's that going for you?

Hello! Was there a reason why a caution sign couldn't have been posted for this poor sap? Something that identified the dangers of this area? WARNING: D-BAG DRINK-KICKING ZONE?

Now he's gotta get up and go all the way back to the bar. Way to totally harsh his mellow.


3) Okay, there's definitely some peril involved in this last example. Quite a lot of peril, actually.

Everybody knows that if there's a fire, you shouldn't use the elevator. That's just common sense. Use the stairs. Because that's the safe thing to do.

Unless, of course, you happen to be a Stick Figure. In which case your instructions are different. You should still use the stairs. But you should walk slowly and calmly ...


... DIRECTLY INTO THE FIRE!!

While I'm not a Stick Figure myself, I have to believe this is probably poor advice.

Try to stay safe out there, my stick-ish friends.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday 2/8/10)

1) Got high blood pressure? That means you've got too much blood. Think about doing some heavy bleeding.

2) Start early. Bet every dime you have on next year's Puppy Bowl.

3) Remember: Sharks only become remorseless killing machines because they've never been shown real love. That big one over there? He just needs a big hug. Maybe a kiss.

4) Vacuum living room.

5) As board member of Tea Baggers movement, think about renaming organization to avoid filthy sexual slang. Consider the Dirty Sanchezes or the Rusty Tromboners.

Well, That's Quite A Surprise.

So a couple of years ago ... well ... more than a couple, actually. It was at least five. I think. I don't remember exactly ...

Anyhow, about five years ago, back when I used to work part-time in indie film development, I managed to snag an Co-Producer credit on a little movie called Runaway.

No, not the Tom Selleck vs. Little Robot Spiders movie where he sticks the grenade in Gene Simmons' mouth and pulls the pin. Awesome though that was, I didn't work on that movie. Though, come to think of it, I really wish I had. That would have been pretty bad ass.

But I digress ... this Runaway was a tense little mind-bender of a thriller that actually garnered some positive attention on the festival circuit.

Unfortunately though, it failed to attract any bidders from the theatrical release or DVD markets. So it sat on a shelf.

And then, as happens all the time in the indie world, the production company kind of imploded. And that was that. I really thought the movie would never see the light of day.

Well, happily, it seems I was wrong.

Somehow it's managed to get released on DVD. Available now!



Overall, I didn't have much at all to do with the actual production. My Co-Producer credit was presumably gifted unto me because I championed the script in the early days (plucking it from the enormous pile of godawful dreck we routinely received), and because (with the vital assistance of Messrs Bill Elsman and Scott Duffy) I eventually got it into the hands of Aaron Stanford, who ended up playing the hell out of the lead role. He rocked it. Hard. Even better than I'd hoped, actually.

Now before you ask ... no. I don't get a penny from sales of this thing. Actually, I don't even know what company is putting this out. Hell, I didn't get any kind of fee as an Co-Producer five years ago. (That's kind of how things work in the indie film world. Credits are what they give you instead of money.)

So that said, I still heartily endorse this. The movie turned out really well. It's a tight little thriller with some nice performances and some trippy twists. It just works.

Well? What are you waiting for?

Go buy yourself a copy, dammit!


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 2/1/10)

1) Use Rip Torn as a reference when applying for bank loan. Or gun license. Or when posting bail.

2) Remember, sticks and stones may break your bones, but plowing your 1988 Chevette head-on into an overpass abutment at 75 mph is a lot more efficient.

3) All the overblown hype over the Apple iPad is silly. Save your money and just crawl into the dryer. Turn it on. If you can shrink yourself down about 35%, your iPod Touch will be in perfect scale.

4) Have guy come and read gas meter.

5) Test the old saying that "Guns don't kill, people do" by leaping off a five story building onto a gun. Just make sure there are no people around. They're very kill-ish.