Nap Or Crime Scene: Criminally Minded

HOTCHNER (sternly)

The Un-Sub covered the body.

PRENTISS

A clear sign of remorse.

HOTCHNER (sternly)

He may have known the victim.

MORGAN (handsomely)

Have I mentioned that I'm very handsome?

HOTCHNER (sternly)

Yes, Morgan.

JOE MANTEGNA

MANGIA ITALIANO!

HOTCHNER (sternly)

Joe, we're supposed to be in character now.

JOE MANTEGNA

MOLTO BENE!

(JOE MANTEGNA ties on a red and white checkered bib, produces a bowl of pasta and dances gleefully away, eating.)

(HOTCHNER sighs and shakes his head sternly.)

REED

Did you know frogs have teeth, but toads have a bony ridge?

HOTCHNER (sternly)

The Un-Sub is not a frog.

REED

But he may have a bony ridge.

HOTCHNER (sternly)

He doesn't.

REED

I've never eaten a single thing ever.

(MORGAN'S phone rings.)

MORGAN (answering handsomely)

You're on speaker, Baby Girl.

GARCIA (over speaker phone)

Inappropriate sexual innuendo!

(Everyone smiles and pretends this is acceptable workplace behavior.)

JJ

Does it help if I bat my eyelashes?

HOTCHNER (sternly)

It doesn't.

JJ

Then my work here is done.

PRENTISS

Did you guys happen to notice that the body is lightly snoring?

HOTCHNER (sternly)

Tell the Sheriff we're ready to give the profile.




Till next we meet ...

Tonight, on CBS ... CSI: New Snore-leans

Nap? Or crime scene?

It's hard to know for sure.

We'll have to call that smug, chubby guy from the crime lab with the smug, chubby beard so he and his beard can come over and be smug and chubby together.

So far, preliminary ballistics, GSR, ninhydrin and DNA testing all point to "sleepy".


Till next we meet ...

Tonight on NBC: Nap? Or Crime Scene?

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY

A hive of activity. Flashing lights, police tape, forensic techs, photographers. Radios CRACKLE.

A young, fresh-faced BEAT COP (twenties) runs down the details for a sardonic, world-weary GRIZZLED DETECTIVE (too old for this shit).

BEAT COP

Neighbor called it in. Heard a sound.

GRIZZLED DETECTIVE

What kinda sound?

BEAT COP

Like wood.

GRIZZLED DETECTIVE

Wood?

BEAT COP

Logs. Gettin' sawed.

GRIZZLED DETECTIVE

All night?

BEAT COP

All night.

GRIZZLED DETECTIVE bends down to have a closer look.

GRIZZLED DETECTIVE

Signs of a struggle.

BEAT COP

But only right here. Otherwise the place is clean. Upstairs she even made her bed.

GRIZZLED DETECTIVE

But she's never gonna lie in it.

SFX: GAVEL SOUND: DUN-DUN!!

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE ...



Till next we meet ...

You Be The Judge ...

Nap? Or crime scene?

The eternal question.


Till next we meet ...

You Be the Judge ...

Nap ... or crime scene?

The eternal question.


Till next we meet ...