You Ever Get That Not-So-Fresh Feeling?

I sometimes get the occasional dirty look when I use public rest rooms in NYC and then don't wash my hands.

But I have my reasons.

Chief among them?

There is an extremely high probability that my tender nethers are cleaner than anything in that room.

Your Honor, I offer these recycled tweets as proof:

In crowded Penn Station men's room last night, not one, but TWO dudes simultaneously sink-washing their units! New record!

— Robb Badlam (@BuckyUnderbelly) October 19, 2012

To be clear: Separate sinks. Did not appear to be aware of one another. One: Gentle dauber. Other: Vigorous scrubber. #SometimesIDontHeartNY

— Robb Badlam (@BuckyUnderbelly) October 19, 2012

And now you have that image burned into your brain meat, too!

You're welcome.



Till next we meet ...

A Trip To The Craft Store

Because I care about the Earth and the alarming levels of comedy polution in the atmosphere, please find attached a few recycled Twitter posts:

Trip to the craft store #1: This place has me strangely excited!



Trip to craft store #2: I believe this product is slathered liberally on all of Lady Gaga's surfaces daily.



Trip to craft store #3: What were the other options?



Trip to craft store #4: What up, G?




Till next we meet ...

You're Gonna Get SO Drunk

You may not even realize it, but you've been BEGGING for this. BEGGING.

So now ... at long last ... I give to you ...

Steven Seagal Lawman: The Drinking Game!

Here are the rules:

Whenever Steven whisper/mumbles any variation on: "I've been studying the martial arts for 40 years": DRINK.

Whenever they cut to Steven and he's clearly chewing something ... but there's NO food around: DRINK.

Whenever a bad guy is clearly caught by real cops, but they cut to Steven making the arrest: DRINK.

Whenever Steven dispenses "wisdom" about a cop's life and you can actually see his silver-haired, career-cop partner die a little inside: DRINK.

Whenever Steven refers to the Projects as "the 'Jects": DRINK TWICE.

Whenever Steven gets visibly winded after the first five steps of a foot pursuit: DRINK. SIT. HAVE A LITTLE REST.

Whenever Steven blots the slick, glistening ham jelly (or perhaps it's sweat) from his brow with his trusty towel: DRINK GRAVY.

(Whisper/mumbled) "It's ham jelly AND sweat." --Steven Seagal

Please note: Steven Seagal Lawman may only be a half-hour show, but play by these rules and you WILL go through vast amounts of alcohol. So plan your booze shopping accordingly.


Till next we meet ...

Sometimes Your Thumb Betrays You

Like when it decides to stop pushing buttons on the remote when Van Helsing comes on. Here are some recycled Twitter posts to help you share my pain.

Watching Van Helsing on cable. Because not everybody goes to CraigsList for their masochism.

I wonder if the folks who made Van Helsing feel like they got totally robbed by Cat Woman at the Razzies.

"Ha-cha-cha-CHA! It's just like Krull! But with fancy new hats!"

Favorite awful thing about Van Helsing? Kate Beckinsale's accent's a contender. Her dialect coach? Apparently The Count from Sesame Street.

Van Helsing is like CSI: Miami. So bad on every possible level--writing, directing, acting, design--that they MUST have MEANT it to be bad.

That level of suck just can't be accidental.

Kate Beckinsale: "Nothing is faster than Transylvanian horses. Not even werewolves." Bold claim. Mythbusters, the gauntlet has been thrown.

Another contender for best terrible thing in Van Helsing: Hugh Jackman's kicky Jennifer Aniston haircut! So sassy!

And all the rope swinging! It's like Wile E. Coyote made a whole movie from that scene in Crystal Skull.

Dear ALCS Game 6: Thanks for throwing me down, jamming a knee in my back, wrestling the remote from my fist and turning off Van Helsing. I owe you.


Till next we meet ...

Adventures In Urinating

Are you a lady? Ever wonder what happens behind the mysterious door of the Men's Room? These recycled Twitter posts should help clear things up.

Just got the dirtiest look in the restroom for not washing my hands. Chill, dude. I didn't need to. I missed my fingers.

Disapproving looks in the men's room. It's like these people have never seen a guy leave the stall while eating a Sloppy Joe before.

More disapproving looks in the men's room. I can't POSSIBLY be the only one in this entire office who eats unwrapped Baby Ruths in here.

I don't know ... maybe it's the lemonade they don't like.


Disapproving looks in the men's room. Guys, there's nothing wrong with dropping your pants all the way to the floor at the urinal.

Also, that dance I was doing was a religious thing.

Though I really don't have a reason for the pom-poms. Sometimes I just like to be encouraging.

Dirty looks in the mens' room for not washing hands. Hey, if you guys think my junk is SO filthy ... (con't)

(Con't) ... that I need to wash my hands after touching it, then you won't mind if I skip the middleman and sink-wash my junk. Scoot over


Till next we meet ...

Dear Guy on the Escalator Behind Me

Commuting! I don't have to tell you, it's a blast! Interacting with your fellow man? Mingling with the best and brightest? It's a privilege, I tell you! A PRIVILEGE!

Here are a few recycled Twitter posts to prove it.

Dear Guy Behind Me on the Escalator: STOP sighing. I'm not climbing. It's an ESCALATOR. If I wanted to climb stairs, I'd have taken the stairs.

Dear Guy Behind Me on the Escalator: Perhaps you haven't heard, escalators were invented for the lazy, not the over-aggressive and douchey.

Dear Guy Behind Me on the Escalator: Keep sighing and I'll show you how my fist was invented for your goddamn nuts.

Wait a second ... Holy crap! Maybe the escalator WAS originally invented for your goddamn nuts!

Till next we meet ...

Head Knobs and Broom Sticks

It's really THERE, people! It's time to stop deceiving yourselves!

Perhaps these recycled Twitter posts will help you see things more clearly.

Jean Claude Van Damme has a permanent and pronounced knot on his forehead the size of a doorknob.

OH MY GOD! IT'S RIGHT GODDAMN THERE! WHY IS NOBODY ELSE SEEING THIS?!

JCVD's headknob is invisible until someone points it out. After that, you'll NEVER be able to stop staring at it. You're welcome.

AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?! YOU SEE THAT THING, RIGHT?!

JCVD's headknob has haunted me for years. Now it shall haunt you, too. I am no longer alone. We are connected now, you and I.


Till next we meet ...

Are You Old?

Worried you might be slipping inexorably into the great yawning abyss of mortality? Here are a few recycled Twitter posts that might help you assess your level of risk.

How To Tell When You're Old: When you don't recognize a single "celebrity" on Extra.

How To Tell When You're Old: When the thought occurs to you that that Jamie Lee Curtis pooping yogurt might not be such a bad idea.

How To Tell When You're Old: When you find yourself giving a shit about zoning laws.

How To Tell When You're Old: When you suddenly discover you have an opinion about yarn.

How To Tell When You're Old: When your favorite Phil Collins mix tape finally breaks.

"Sussudio, muthafuckas!"

How To Tell When You're Old: When you follow a drug commercial's directions and ask your doctor if it's right for you.

How To Tell When You're Old: When you consider Just For Menning your chest hair.

How To Tell When You're Old: When, after you've Just For Menned your chest hair, you look further down ... then reach for the box again.


Till next we meet ...

My Recycling Efforts Continue ...

Yes, it's more recycled Twitter-based comedy for you today. Why? Because I love you THAT much.

In the Law & Order Universe ... don't enroll at Hudson University. Because you WILL be raped. Or murdered. Or both.

In the Law & Order Universe ... you may talk to police who are investigating a murder, but not for long. You are VERY busy.

In the Law & Order Universe ... if, during questioning, Vincent D'Onofrio bends 90 degrees at the waist ... you're pretty well fucked.

In the Law & Order Universe ... if you're arrested 15 minutes into the investigation, good news! You're not the killer!

In the Law & Order Universe ... if you're being arrested by Det. Stabler, don't resist. He WILL punch you until you die.

"You lookin' to get punched to death, smart guy? Cuz my punchin' fists -- Punchy and Mr. Wigglesworth -- well ... they're gettin' a little itchy."

In the Law & Order Universe ... Ice-T is an angry fish. A VERY angry fish. Oh, and he hates you.

In the Law & Order Universe ... nobody mumbles bone-shatteringly stupid puns before putting on sunglasses and cranking The Who.

In the Law & Order Universe ... if you design or play video games, they will suck. Hard.

In the Law & Order Universe ... handily, there is ALWAYS "that one guy."

In the Law & Order Universe ... if you're a brunette ADA, you'll go far. If you're blonde with a spoon-shaped face, you're a fucking idiot.

In the Law & Order Universe ... if Jack McCoy's voice squeaks and cracks earnestly during closing arguments, sorry, you're going to jail.


Till next we meet ...

Recycled Comedy Produces Zero Carbon-Forming Emissions

In honor of Earth Day's four month anniversary here's some more recycled Twitter comedy from last night:

Here's a little known fact I just made up: Barry Manilow wrote "Mandy" about Mandy Patinkin from "Criminal Minds."

Here's a little known fact I just made up: Donut "Jimmies" were invented by Jimi Hendrix. Before he choked to death on a vomit-load of them.

Here's a little known fact I just made up: "Bea Arthur" was a stage name. Her real name was: "Ezekiel Thundercock."

Here's a little known fact I just made up: Cats secretly have opposable thumbs but still make us open their food cans. It's a power thing.

Here's a little known fact I just made up: Don Knotts fucked like a champion.

Champion.

Here's a little known fact I just made up: JFK wasn't assassinated. It was suicide.

Here's a little known fact I just made up: Jerry Orbach founded a school to teach tantric sex techniques. To Don Knotts.

Here's a little known fact I just made up: Criss Angel subsists solely on a diet of shoelaces and used birdseed.

Here's a little known fact I just made up: Sharks can be hypnotized with gentle neck kisses.

Here's a little known fact I just made up: William Shakespeare's father was a glove-maker. And his mother was a 13-foot Bengal Tiger.


Till next we meet ...

Dear NJ Transit Commuters ...

And so the recycling effort continues. Here's a selection of my Twittered posts from yesterday ...

Dear Manhattan Tourists: I know you have no idea where you are or where you’re going -- but you’re in my way. Could you please get lost a little faster?

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: STOP running, and shoving, and elbowing to get to the train. It is NOT the last chopper out of Saigon.

Dear Elderly NJ Transit Commuter: You probably don’t really need that cane. Considering you just blew past me at a DEAD RUN.

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: Exactly why ARE you running for this train? Are you worried you’ll be late for home?

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: Are you completely unfamiliar with how stairs work? It’s called a line and it starts behind me.

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: Seriously. Stop running. This isn’t Wal-Mart and they’re not giving away VCRs.

All aboard the Crazy Train. Next Stop? Lord of the Goddamn Flies.

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: Again, why all the pushing and shoving? Why the hell are you in such a hurry to get to New Jersey?

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: Stop running. This is not Pamplona and there are no bulls behind you.

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: Fun Science Fact: Elbowing me in the sternum as you sprint by will not make trains move faster.

Dear NJ Transit Commuters: You are SO lucky I don’t own a taser. I would drain this city’s electric grid dry, muthafuckas.


Till next we meet ...

Dear Lady on the Train ...

Please find reprinted below, a selection of my Twitter posts from this morning's commute. (Sure, you could call it cheating. But I prefer to call it "recycling." I'm all about green, eco-friendly, sustainable comedy.)

Dear Lady on Train: If I've got my iPod cranked ALL the way up and I can STILL hear you yelling into your phone, you might be too loud.

Dear Lady on Train: I don't know where you buy your hair dye, but that particular shade of two-tone orange appears nowhere in Nature.

Dear Lady on Train: Seriously. The yelling into the phone thing is getting old. The first half hour was a delight, but it's time to hang up.

Dear Lady on Train: Your awful dye-job isn't fooling anyone. You're not young. Nor do you appear to be a party clown.

"Can you hear me now?"

Dear Lady on Train: Perfume is not intended to have "stopping power." It's supposed to smell nice, not incapacitate an attacker.

Dear Lady on Train: If you could see all the elaborate and spectacularly gory ways I'm imagining your death, you might lower your voice.

Dear Lady on Train: SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT--

Dear Train Tunnel: Sweet merciful fuck. Thank you for existing.


Till next we meet ...