Nothing Gets By Gretta ...

Nothing! You hear me?

NOTHING gets by Gretta.


Not a goddamn thing!

This is Gretta we're talking about here!

She's BOLD! She's POWERFUL! She's PERSISTENT!

She's the Great Wall of China, a pack of angry wolves and a supermassive black hole all rolled into one!

Nothing get's by Gretta! No sir! No ma'am!


You can bet your life on it!

NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, IS GETTING BY GRETTA!


Except maybe that one guy.

You know the one I mean.



THE GUY WITH ALL THE PHOTOSHOP IN THE WORLD!


To be honest, I'm not entirely convinced this image was ever an actual "photograph" in the first place. It looks to me like it may have started life as a butter sculpture or perhaps a painting made entirely from duckling fuzz.

And still, that was way before all the Photoshop.

To get to this final stage, this picture has had more work done than Joan Rivers, Cojo and Mickey Rourke combined.

Hey Fox News ... wouldn't it have been less labor intensive to just go door to door across the country and smear Vaseline directly onto corneas of every person in America?



Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday,10/26/09)

1) Fire. What's it REALLY taste like?

2) Take public speaking lessons from Sara Palin.

3) Jump shark. In dark alley. Steal his wallet.

4) Seal driveway.

5) Program Tivo to record every single episode of Steven Seagal: Lawman. Twice.

Sometimes Your Thumb Betrays You

Like when it decides to stop pushing buttons on the remote when Van Helsing comes on. Here are some recycled Twitter posts to help you share my pain.

Watching Van Helsing on cable. Because not everybody goes to CraigsList for their masochism.

I wonder if the folks who made Van Helsing feel like they got totally robbed by Cat Woman at the Razzies.

"Ha-cha-cha-CHA! It's just like Krull! But with fancy new hats!"

Favorite awful thing about Van Helsing? Kate Beckinsale's accent's a contender. Her dialect coach? Apparently The Count from Sesame Street.

Van Helsing is like CSI: Miami. So bad on every possible level--writing, directing, acting, design--that they MUST have MEANT it to be bad.

That level of suck just can't be accidental.

Kate Beckinsale: "Nothing is faster than Transylvanian horses. Not even werewolves." Bold claim. Mythbusters, the gauntlet has been thrown.

Another contender for best terrible thing in Van Helsing: Hugh Jackman's kicky Jennifer Aniston haircut! So sassy!

And all the rope swinging! It's like Wile E. Coyote made a whole movie from that scene in Crystal Skull.

Dear ALCS Game 6: Thanks for throwing me down, jamming a knee in my back, wrestling the remote from my fist and turning off Van Helsing. I owe you.


Till next we meet ...

I'm Pretty Sure That's Not How You Play The Saxophone.

I'm the first person to admit that I have only the barest, most rudimentary understanding of music. Even though my dad was a professional drummer for many, many years, some things just manage to skip a generation.

And when it comes to the nitty-gritty of composition or performance, it's even worse. I'm a dilettante of the lowest order.

So it's somewhat telling that even I noticed something was clearly amiss when I happened upon this poster on the train platform.


Don't see what I mean? Have a closer look:


Sure, I may not have been in marching band in high school and I may not own season tickets to the New York Philharmonic Orchestra ... but I think I can tell the difference between playing an instrument and pleasuring it sexually.

I've never visited Rahway or its Arts District. So I don't know if sensuously fellating jazz instruments is the sort of thing people do on the street there.

But I do know this.

This Halloween, I'm trick-or-treating in Rahway.

Dressed as a saxophone.



Just in case.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 10/19/09)

1) Remember to secure hatch on homemade balloon so your good-for-nothing asshole kid can't sneak out and wreck your chance at your own balloon-based reality show.

2) Swine Flu ... GET SOME!

3) Photoshop fashion magazine cover photo of that grotesque fatty Keira Knightley so she looks like she's got a half-inch waist and legs that are eight feet long each.

4) Replace furnace filter.

5) Keep fucking that chicken.

A Fool's Errands (10/12/09)

1) Bet life savings that the Mets will be surprise come-from-behind winners of '09 World Series.

2) Reach into that alligator to get your golf ball back. He probably won't mind.

3) Watch movie Twilight. Sober. Unironically. Start to finish. Without killing self.

4) Rake leaves.

5) Buy new pair of ass-less chaps for Casual Friday.

PANTS! The Eighth Leg!

I fear our pantless hero is now entering his "Margot Kidder/Anne Heche" phase ...



Till next we meet ...

PANTS! The Seventh Leg!

Burn them. Burn them with fire.



Till next we meet ...

PANTS! The Sixth Leg!

True Artists don't need scripts.



Till next we meet ...

PANTS! The Fifth Leg!

To whom is your package addressed?



Till next we meet ...

PANTS! The Fourth Leg!

Angst on set.



Till next we meet ...

PANTS! The Third Leg!

Identity crisis.



Till next we meet ...

PANTS! The Second Leg!

How do you like your wienering?



Till next we meet ...

PANTS! The First Leg!

A little video I made a few months back.

Watch if you dare. But I warn you, his pantlessness will destroy us all ...



Till next we meet ...

Fool's Errands (Monday, 10/5/09)

1) Start Oscar campaign website for Mattel's impending "Barbie" movie.

2) Sign petition to free Roman Polanski. Then sign petition to free all the world's other child rapists, too.

3) Wax nose hair.

4) Rotate tires.

5) Be pitied by Mr. T.

Again.