But Mom ...!

... I NEED SOME OF THOSE WRINKLES TO LIVE!!



Till next we meet ...

The Bystanders! They Do Nothing! (Stick Figures in Peril!)

One of the more insidious Perils faced by Stick Figures is also among the least well-known. Because it lurks within the inscrutable and insular heart of Stick Figure society itself.

That Peril? The complete and utter disregard for the health and well-being of other Stick Figures.

According to the latest research, the vast majority of Stick Figures -- an alarming 94.2%* -- will stand impassively by and watch vacantly as a fellow stick figure is fed screaming into the grinding, entrail-caked wheels of a moving train. They will not lift a finger to assist.

Even if they had fingers.

Which they do not.

Is it apathy? A lack of compassion? A psychological inability to empathize with another?

Or are they just jealously resentful of anyone in a swanky, red, business unitard?

We may never know.

____________________________
* Studies show that, at any given moment, the remaining 5.8% are actually being fed under the wheels on the other side of the train.


Till next we meet ...

I Can Haz Journalistic Professionalism?

(sigh)

So, apparently it's "Casual Friday" in CNN's headline writers' room.


It really is a shame they couldn't manage to work in "Dick-Measuring" as well. That really would have classed up the whole affair.

(Though, to be fair, I suppose a good number of headlines feature the word "Santorum" ... and we all know how incredibly filthy that word is.)



Till next we meet ...

Lawnmower Man(gle)! (Stick Figures in Peril!)

What's the most Perilous chore in the world for a Stick Figure to perform?

Mowing my lawn, apparently.

According to the warning labels on my mower, Stick Figures face a veritable cornucopia of eviscerating, bloody Peril whenever they venture within miles of my backyard.

Firstly, there's the ever present Peril of being peppered with heavy machine gun fire should a Stick Figure EVER begin to dance.

(Though, to be fair, this shouldn't be much of a surprise. We have laws for a reason, people.)

(Little known fact: This was actually the original inspiration for the film Footloose. True story.)


Next up ... the specter of bloody, agonizing dismemberment is never far behind your average Stick Figure. But for those Stick Figures on the lookout for a cheap, do-it-yourself alternative to the pricey spa-style "mani/pedi" ... it's all but a certainty.

"OH NO! NOT MY EXTREMITIES! I LOVED HAVING THOSE!"


Lastly ... it would seem elderly Stick Figures with mobility issues are also at an increased risk of being violently run down and messily fed, cane and all, into the whriling, gore-strewn blades of my mower.

On the other hand, perhaps this particular warning is more properly targeted at Brooklyn-based Hipster Stick Figures who have developed the annoying affectation of carrying Victorian walking sticks. Hmm. You know what? I like this answer better.


Oh! One more thing.

Before I let you go ... this may be something of a tangent, but it seems Lawnmower/Human Hybrid Cyborgs vehemently disapprove of traditional human reproduction.

Just so you know.



Till next we meet ...

Didn't You Hear Me?! I SAID NO STANDING!!

Seriously.

Get down.

Lower.

No, lower!

On your belly!

Because they have RULES in this town, is why!

Now will you please GET DOWN!

All the way!

LOW-ER!!

(sigh)

Great. This bus never going to stop now. Thanks a LOT.

Oh, hey! I found gum!



Till next we meet ...

We're With You.

Yes, we're right there with you in the Tri-State area.

But take one goddamn step outside that area -- into The Forbidden Zone? Well, then you're on your own, motherfucker.

Because you'll be dead to us!

You hear me?!?

DEAD!



Till next we meet ...

I'm Gonna Go Cook The Pasta, Cook The Pasta.

Naturally, I'm also looking forward to his imported Italian knees.


Till next we meet ...