Fine. I'm Not Very Mature. So What.

The 13-year-old boy in me really wants to drive this truck.

But on the other hand, the adult in me really wants to drive this truck.

Till next we meat ...


(Heh-heh!)

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 12/14/09)

1) Buy Christmas present for Tiger Woods: a BIG black book.

2) Drink own weight in nog.

3) Hang around under mistletoe while "funny" Uncle Lenny is over.

4) Buy extra wrapping paper.

5) Ignore life lessons proffered by the first three ghosts. Change your ways only when the fourth ghost threatens you with cold and lonely death.

You're Gonna Get SO Drunk

You may not even realize it, but you've been BEGGING for this. BEGGING.

So now ... at long last ... I give to you ...

Steven Seagal Lawman: The Drinking Game!

Here are the rules:

Whenever Steven whisper/mumbles any variation on: "I've been studying the martial arts for 40 years": DRINK.

Whenever they cut to Steven and he's clearly chewing something ... but there's NO food around: DRINK.

Whenever a bad guy is clearly caught by real cops, but they cut to Steven making the arrest: DRINK.

Whenever Steven dispenses "wisdom" about a cop's life and you can actually see his silver-haired, career-cop partner die a little inside: DRINK.

Whenever Steven refers to the Projects as "the 'Jects": DRINK TWICE.

Whenever Steven gets visibly winded after the first five steps of a foot pursuit: DRINK. SIT. HAVE A LITTLE REST.

Whenever Steven blots the slick, glistening ham jelly (or perhaps it's sweat) from his brow with his trusty towel: DRINK GRAVY.

(Whisper/mumbled) "It's ham jelly AND sweat." --Steven Seagal

Please note: Steven Seagal Lawman may only be a half-hour show, but play by these rules and you WILL go through vast amounts of alcohol. So plan your booze shopping accordingly.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/30/09)

1) Ask Tiger Woods for a ride to the end of his driveway.

2) Two words: "Penis" and "Beehive."

3) Listen to Jonas Brothers album during screening of New Moon. Test theory that it's the Pop Rocks and Soda of 2009.

4) Pay rent.

5) Finally take Fonzie's advice and sit on it. Hard.

Alfred Hitchcock's Shower Scene

So I was taking a leisurely shower the other morning and I happened to notice that I wasn't the only sardonic old fat guy making a cameo.

Remember Hitchcock's logo for the old "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" show?



Well, it seems my errant hairs were big fans.

Who knew?



Now, if I were a smart man, what I ought to do is charge M. Night Shyamalan a million bucks to come disturbingly worship shower. That way he can enjoy his Hitchcock fetish and I can enjoy my "having lots of money" fetish.

Hmmm ... I gotta make some calls.



Till next we meet ...

Mind = Blown

So the new Twilight movie, New Moon, has apparently smashed all kinds of box office records. Including, bafflingly, several held by The Dark Knight.

I have no words, really.

I mean, I'm well aware that bad movies can be crazy popular while good ones are ignored and left slumped against the gymnasium wall like a fat, nerdy kid at the prom. Sure. It happens all the time.

But there's a difference between a bad movie being successful and stunningly lame one pulling down $140 million in a weekend.

So, you know ... it stings a bit.





Ow.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 11/23/09)

1) Tell that cool liquid metal policeman that your name really is John Connor. Even if it isn't.

2) When camping out in front of the Wal-Mart in preparation for Black Friday, make sure you're wearing your best stomping-your-neighbor-to-death-for-a-cheap-TV boots.

3) Trust that your health insurance company knows more about current health care debate than you do. They'll handle everything, right?

4) Buy stuffing.

5) Go see New Moon for 100th time. Because you're not just a fool, you're an astonishly stupid 13-year-old girl. With no taste whatsoever.