A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/15/10)

1. Camp out in front of video store to wait for release of New Moon DVD. Because you you're not very bright. And because you have astonishingly shitty taste in movies.

2. Deep-fried Twinkie dipped in microwaved Velveeta and topped with a dollop of potted meat? Order two!

3. Because you're his number one fan, construct 50-foot statue of Jay Leno. Out of assholes.

4. Buy grass seed.

5. Feed neighbor's cat. Into paper shredder.