Got Squash?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - AD AGENCY OFFICES - DAY

A group of AD MEN hunch over a conference table. Smoke hangs thick in the air. Brows are furrowed.

The AD MEN stare at the blank note pads in front of them. Someone taps a fountain pen, deep in thought.

AD MAN 1

Dammit! Think, people, think! The client needs a mascot for their squash farm! Something memorable! A character people can identify with! Here's the thing, though ... the client insists that this mascot be a fleshy, dissolute, New York City cab driver from the 1950s. The kind of guy who, and I'm quoting here, "looks like he's got multiple sex crimes convictions and may be sweating out a major heroin bender as we speak."

AD MAN 2

Wait. How would that help sell squash exactly?

AD MAN 1

Remember boys, satisfying the client is job number one.

AD MAN 2

Hang on a--

AD MAN 3

I got it! We oughta call my Uncle Louie!

AD MAN 3 takes a photo out of his wallet and slaps it down in front of AD MAN 1.

AD MAN 2

I don't know if--

AD MAN 1

What are his qualifications?

AD MAN 3

He has to put up fliers every time he moves to a new neighborhood!

AD MAN 1

GOOD!

AD MAN 2

Um--

AD MAN 3

Also, he's kind of slow because of all of the massive and repeated head trauma!

AD MAN 1

YES!

AD MAN 2

But--

AD MAN 3

And then there was that thing at the petting zoo ...

AD MAN 1

SOLD!

AD MAN 2

Guys--?

AD MAN 1

Put Uncle Louie's picture on a sticker and slap one on every squash in the store! Gentlemen ...? Our work here is done! That's lunch! Time to swill gallons of scotch and smoke bales of unfiltered cigarettes!

The AD MEN file triumphantly out of the conference room, back-slapping and congratulating each other as they go.

AD MAN 2 hangs behind. He picks up the photo.

AD MAN 2

Oh! Oh my ...!

His hands begin to tremble as the photo slips from his fingers.

AD MAN 2

Oh, dear sweet Jesus!

He buries his face in his hands and weeps.

AD MAN 2 starts screaming. He may never stop.

BLACKOUT

Till next we meet.