Now You're Being Cooked With Gas! (Stick Figures In Peril!)

The eternal question.

We've all wondered it. Pondered it. Dreamed it. Mused aloud about it during staff meetings. Had it tattooed on the lower backs of our indentured servants ...

You know the one:

"Which part of my house is MOST Perilous for Stick Figures?"

And the answer is obvious. Why, it's the Utility Room, of course!

For the Stick Figure, the Utility Room is little more than a bloody charnel house full of sadness and blighted, smoldering death.

1) First off, there are deadly carbon monoxide fumes that will inevitably be greedily gulped down by the hapless Stick Figure into his single-chambered lung-stomach.

And doom, of course, follows hard thereupon.

"OH NO! MY LUNG-STOMACH!"

2) Next, of course, there's the seemingly innocent act of hand washing. What could go wrong there?

As it turns out ...

EVERYTHING!


A single blast of "HOT" will immediately reduce the Stick Figure's hands to useless, pulpy blood-stumps.

Tragically, this poor fellow will never play the Stick Harpsichord again. And that, friends, is a loss for all of us.

"OH NO! HOT MAKE BURN!"

3) Thirdly (and perhaps most Perilously), is the ever-present and inescapable threat of "FLAMMABLE VAPORS." The Stick Figure must avoid these at all costs.

"Why," you ask?


BECAUSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M ON FIRE THAT'S WHY!!!


Till next we meet ...

I Weep For Humanity. Especially Thirsty, Rock-Stupid Humanity.

So I was on the train going to work this morning and I happened to notice something in the restroom.


We live in a country where a sign like this is apparently necessary ...


The saddest part is that you just know the reason this warning had to be posted in the first place was because there was ... an "incident."

(sigh)



Till next we meet ...

Have You Seen My Teeth?

Hi there. I'm Giada De Laurentis.


You may know me from the Food Network where I play a gaunt, painfully malnourished Natalie Portman bobble-head doll.

(Bobble, bobble, bobble)

Anyhow, I was just wondering ... Have you seen my teeth?


Come on. I REALLY want to show you these teeth. I mean I've worked REALLY hard to make them all bright and shiny and visible to you. I'd HATE for you to miss them.

So you should have a look.

Seriously. I don't want you to miss ANY of them. Can you see the ones in the back? Are you looking?

LOOK!

LOOK HARD!

HARDER!!!


LOOK AT MY TEETH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!


TEEEEEEETH!!!!



Tlll next we meet ...

It's Back? Really? Where Has It Been?

As it turns out, after doing some research ... it seems the Waffle Sandwich has been in prison. In Nevada. For stabbing, like, nine dudes to death. In the face.

But you go right ahead and order it.

That's what you wanted, right?

But I'm sure everything's cool now.

He's paid his debt to society and stuff.



Yeah, it's probably fine now.



Till next we meet ...

Please Leave This Store

Dear Customers,

While we truly appreciate your interest in coming to our store to spend money on our products ...


... we really wish you'd go the hell home. I don't know. Use your computers or some shit. Thanks.


PS: Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

PPS: You smell poorly.


Till next we meet ...

Naaayyyyyyyyy! (Stick Figures In Peril)

By order of the Board of Health, this area has been decreed ... A FONZIE-FREE ZONE.


Violators who insist on remaining Fonzie will be subjected to great peril.


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/22/10)

1) Cram as many copies of new "Hoarders" DVD set as you can into your cat-infested house.

2) Clear brush from Crawford ranch. For old times' sake.

3) Anybody can use sugar cubes in their tea. Be unique, try some pork bullion cubes instead!

4) Shop for new bathing suit.

5) Staple tongue to conference table.

Stick Figures Go Shopping (Stick Figures In Peril!)

You'd think the grocery store would be a relatively innocuous place for a Stick Figure Mother to take her Stick Baby.

But you know what?

YOU'D BE WRONG!

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!!

The grocery store is a throbbing hive of menacing danger, looming hazard and, you guessed it ... PERIL!

And the biggest Peril?

Apparently the Stick Mother herself.

If this shopping cart is to be believed, the Stick Mother seems to have a complete and utter disregard for the safety and well-being of her offspring. Thus necessitating constant berating about all the different ways she's cocking up the whole parenting thing.

Here are a few salient facts we can clearly glean from this shopping cart about the nature of Stick Mothers:


1) The Stick Mother has zero maternal instinct. She is biologically incapable of forming any sort of emotional bond with her Stick Baby. Otherwise, why would she immediately wander off and abandon it to be preyed upon by the ever-present Stick Child Molester? (Stick Child Molester not pictured.)


2) The Stick Mother secretly fantasizes that she is, in fact, James Cameron. How else do you explain her natural urge to re-enact trite, poorly-written scenes from bloated, self-indulgent, ham-fisted "epic" films? (Related: The Stick Mother's preferred insult for those who displease her is "you unimaginable bastard." Coincidence?)


3) The Stick Mother has very poor visual acuity and little or no hearing. This obviously explains how she can blithely ram her shopping cart through crowds of Stick Babies -- Lizzie Grubman style -- leaving nothing but blood and wailing in her wake ... and the odd Stick Baby corpse lodged in her grill.


4) The Stick Mother is a Nazi sympathizer. And Stick Babies are indoctrinated accordingly.





Till next we meet ...

A Trip To The Craft Store

Because I care about the Earth and the alarming levels of comedy polution in the atmosphere, please find attached a few recycled Twitter posts:

Trip to the craft store #1: This place has me strangely excited!



Trip to craft store #2: I believe this product is slathered liberally on all of Lady Gaga's surfaces daily.



Trip to craft store #3: What were the other options?



Trip to craft store #4: What up, G?




Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/15/10)

1. Camp out in front of video store to wait for release of New Moon DVD. Because you you're not very bright. And because you have astonishingly shitty taste in movies.

2. Deep-fried Twinkie dipped in microwaved Velveeta and topped with a dollop of potted meat? Order two!

3. Because you're his number one fan, construct 50-foot statue of Jay Leno. Out of assholes.

4. Buy grass seed.

5. Feed neighbor's cat. Into paper shredder.

Red Dots Need The Most Scolding (Stick Figures In Peril)

Have you scolded your Red Dot today?

If you are a Stick Figure, let this sign be your reminder.


Because if you don't shower your Red Dot with a steady torrent of scorn, recrimination and withering, profanity-laced derision, it will surely rise up and destroy you. What could be more perilous?

So remember, keep it up ... and by all means, keep it mean!


Till next we meet ...

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/8/10)

1) Your groin ... has it been punched enough?

2) Morale around the office a little low? Three words: CONGRESSIONAL TICKLE-FIGHT!

3) Challenge Quentin Tarantino to a foot fetish trivia contest.

4) Laundry.

5) Greenlight "Gilligan's Island" movie. Oh, wait. That's not a joke. That's a real thing that happened in the world. (sigh) If anybody needs me, I'll be curled up in the corner quietly weeping into a pillow over our collective loss of cultural dignity.

A Fool's Errands (Monday, 3/1/10)

1) Drive Naomi Campbell around town wearing your biggest, most punchable face.

2) Shake what your momma gave you. Even if what your momma gave you was nitroglycerin.

3) Keep excitement rolling after Warner Bros. announcement of planned Gilligan's Island movie! Exhume Bob Denver's corpse so he can join you for a TV Land marathon!

4) Sew replacement button on shirt.

5) Tivo Leno!